“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Don’t talk down to me
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*