Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.