“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: