when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop