PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
What the hell is going on?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
<—- homeless romantic
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.