REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You Might Also Like
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“Wait, let me explain..”
Miscakes
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.