[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You Might Also Like
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
me irl
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit