Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”