“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me and my fake scenarios
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins