If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?