Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch