The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.