Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Many hands make light work
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.