God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard