I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
So the ex texted me
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Two types of dogs.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?