MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*