I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Buying a well is money well spent.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.