I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾‍♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?