Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
only 11 steps left
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.