Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
no refunds
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased