The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.