Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.