Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
He took my last fry, your honor
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.