Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You deplete me
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.