Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
You can’t rush stupid.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.