I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: