“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
This hospital has everything
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.