Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
the official breakfast of 2021
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.