*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house