Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Art by Pastelkatto
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
my astrological sign is a french fry
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
one last job
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.