It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
You Might Also Like
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Breaking news:
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.