You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I have so many questions.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.