Note to self: always read the final line
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom