Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?