Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*