Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.