Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef