Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Pat is about to own someone
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction