[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.