Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
necessity is the mother of invention
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?