My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Cats are still liquid.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*