[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.