Herpes is trending, good job people
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
So the ex texted me
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes