Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.