Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
🤣🤣🤣
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.