Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.