I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Ironic
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit