After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
You Might Also Like
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”