I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.