The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
there has never been a better use of this meme
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*